erased as of 11-8
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hmm.. Seeing as this is a slow chapter, I think you might as well do a bit more information dumping.
Also, I would make it longer, but that's not that important.
Lastly, and I said this in my last post, try and tone down the brattyness of the girl. It's ok to do that, but it's put a bit over the top in general.
Other then that it was an ok chapter, but you have definitely written better chapters for this story.
If I were you, I would do more information dumping.
I read some lines as I was fixing the formating. This is hilarious!
I'd break this up so it's easier to read and understand.
This is the last time I'm bugging you 'bout "the boy."
I'd replace "that" with ". It" to break this up.
You could put this in with all the other info on Werish.
If your dialogue has a tag after it then it should end with a comma and the tag should be lowercase unless it's a proper name.
I find "he announced" is in the wrong place. I'd put it after "here."
The dialogue here is rather formal. Try: "You've never really slept on the ground?"
Another bit of dialogue that's really formal. I'd switch "accustomed" for "used."
Dialogue- There is hardly any distinction between Bane's dialogue and Neerie's, when their classes indicate there should be. Really tone-down the huge vocabulary Bane has, or give us an explanation as to why he speaks like that. (And I agree with Amniel; that bit of dialogue just doesn't do it for me)
Atmosphere- Yep. It's really missing from here. To add it in might mean a rewrite, but my idea is put a bunch of branches they have to duck under, roots to avoid tripping over, cobwebs to go through (Neerie would just love that!). It would also give you opportunities to use "action tags" instead of "said tags." You tend to use both in one line, and it drives me a little nuts.
Overall- Not half bad. Bane's comments kept this interesting for me (I love them!) but describe the forest a bit more.
Hope I helped!
~Rosey
This is probably the most boring chapter so far...well you always need to have one such slow chapter I guess...but you finally explained why they have such weird names
good.
I find this part of dialogue...unreal. What else would it be than those things? Can you really picture someone saying that in a similar situation? Or maybe it's just me (I bet on the last oneYou could tell something of what Bane thinks of the conversation too, we only get the words but scant understanding of what Bane thi-ink-inks about the conversation.
Still good use of language and no grammar errors that I could recognise